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  To my mom, Chris, who is one of the very few people in my life who has never once asked me about my dating life. That is just the cherry on top of all of the many things that I love and appreciate about you.

  Foreword

  So, you’re single. That’s why you’re reading this book, right? (I’m not saying that if you’re in a relationship you can’t read this, but also, why would you want to??) Whether you’re newly single or have been on this solo journey for a while, I’m glad you’re here! Really. After a couple of long-term relationships, I found myself single for the first time in a while, and I soon realized, after the heartache faded, that the fact of the matter is this: Being. Single. Is. Awesome. It’s been a few years since that epiphany and I’ve been single ever since, 100 percent by choice. I’m sure there are some of you reading this who think I’m full of shit, but hopefully some of you are also thinking, Girl, same, or even, Thank God I’m not the only one who feels this way.

  A couple of years ago, I jokingly made a brochure to hand out to relatives at my cousin’s wedding that included a snarky “choose your own adventure”–type chart about why I was single, and it went viral on Twitter. What really surprised me, though, were the responses: across gender, sexual orientation, culture, and religion, people felt the same way I did: dread at navigating social events as a single person. Not only was I not the only person to feel this way, but, in an era in which people are marrying much later in life, if at all, there were actually quite a lot of us! Being single is normal, common, and not an indicator of something being Wrong with us.

  Maybe you don’t want to be single (which is a totally valid stance!). Maybe you do want to be single because you’re focused on other things, or are aro and/or ace and don’t want to have any romantic or sexual relationships, or maybe you’re just like me, and are perfectly happy Doing Life on your own (also all valid!). But regardless of how you feel about your Single Status, there are a lot of people out there—your mom, your (married) best friend, your aunt Carol, society—who might make you feel bad about it, whether they mean to or not. To them, being single isn’t something to aspire to or be content with, it’s something to be avoided, and that can make interacting with those people Annoying, to put it mildly. And as much as you might want to, you can’t avoid all of those people (or society) forever.

  Enter: Single and Forced to Mingle. Part semiserious how-to guide and part commiserator-in-crime, Single and Forced to Mingle is (meant to be) a humorous look at the life of a single millennial, including: giving tips on how to graciously endure the various scenarios in which single people find themselves (awkward small talk with an ex, navigating well-meaning but insensitive relatives at a wedding, and many more); what every newly single person needs to know; and arguments about why, actually, being single is really freaking awesome.

  No matter how you may feel about Singledom, this book is for all of us. As I said before, being Single is the best. Even if you don’t believe me now, I hope by the end of the book, you do! (Or at the very least, you can pass this along to your aunt Carol, who will read it and hopefully stop making comments on when you’re going to settle down and pop out babies!)

  Good luck,

  Melissa

  I. Singledom: A Starter Pack

  Think of being a single person in the world as a hero going out on a long journey. There are things that one needs in order to successfully survive relatively unscathed in this dark world of meddling relatives and constant, excessive PDA by couples everywhere. But stick with me, and I’ll show you how to not only survive but thrive!

  THE QUINTESSENTIAL WARDROBE OF A SINGLE PERSON WHO IS FORCED TO MINGLE

  Sunglasses: This doesn’t apply if it’s dark or you’re inside, because you’re not a dick, but if you have to mingle at something like an outdoor wedding or pre-sunset happy hour, sunglasses are great armor—the more darkly tinted the better! If they’re completely opaque, you can feel free to roll your eyes to your heart’s content at whatever ridiculous sentence second cousin Randy had the nerve to utter.

  Stunning Jewelry and/or Watch: The tactic of wearing something ranging from merely eye-catching to outrageously gaudy will guarantee that at least one person, if not more than a few, will comment on this showstopping accessory, and thus perhaps won’t ask you (at least immediately) about your love life. (You can also take this time to make up an outlandish tale about how you acquired said accessory, which could be fun and help pass the time.)

  An Oldie but Goodie Wardrobe Staple: Now is not the time to be a showstopper, no matter how tempting. Do not do Rent the Runway or order a new Stitch Fix box, because even if you impress these people with whatever you get, you probably won’t feel very comfortable wearing it. New clothes can be exciting, but nothing beats wearing your favorite outfit that you know looks good on you. You know the one—you always receive compliments when you wear it; it doesn’t pull or tug or stretch in any way you don’t want it to; and best of all, it’s an outfit that doesn’t make you look good, it looks good because you’re wearing it.

  Comfortable Shoes: Obviously they need to go with your outfit and be appropriate for the occasion, but make ’em as comfortable as you can get away with. The reasoning is simple: so you can hightail it out of there as quickly as you can.

  A Purse with the Works: For anyone who presents traditionally as feminine, you probably know exactly what is meant by this. For anyone who presents traditionally as masculine, I suggest you flush any toxic masculinity down the toilet and get yourself a backpack, messenger bag, fanny pack, or honestly, a fantastic clutch, because you know what helps sell a lie besides sticking as close to the truth as possible? Props. And having a little travel bottle of Advil or Tums or Tylenol on you to wave around as you tell your boss that you don’t feel well, and whatever you took isn’t working, will come in handy. Oh, look! people will think. They genuinely tried to stay longer. How thoughtful. But they’ll also be thinking that they don’t want to catch whatever you have, and that it’s best if you go home, honey, and rest. Right now. Oh, darn, sorry you couldn’t stay longer!!

  A SINGLE PERSON’S CALENDAR: EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW (AND STEER CLEAR OF!)

  Time marches forward, usually at a pace we can never quite seem to match, or are out of rhythm with. One minute you’re sweating profusely, trying to eat all of your ice cream before it melts in the heat, the next you’re hanging mostly functional twinkly lights around a frost-tinted window. Where does it go? Who can say? This book only deals with being single, not answering existential questions, sorry! But what it can do is give you a rundown of dates to keep on your calendar, so when you do come out of a life-induced haze, you’ll be prepared for such monstrosities as Kiss a Ginger Day (January 12) or Reconciliation Day (April 2).

  Means STEER CLEAR OF!!!

  This section will be divided into seasons that people in relationships have *sigh* forced us to notice, whether we want to or not. And, of course, it doesn’t follow a traditional calendar, so pay close attention!

  CUFFING SEASON

  Stretching from October to March, you’ll be amazed at either the urge within yourself to couple up or to see it pop out in others who normally like to fly solo. The cold months and subdued energy of winter can make people s
usceptible to loneliness.

  PROS:

  CONS:

  A good bed warmer and someone to kiss at midnight on New Year’s Eve.

  Takes place during both the holiday season and Valentine’s Day, and that can make a casual relationship feel a lot more serious than it is.

  October

  03: Boyfriend Day. Yes, this should be National Mean Girls Day, but I don’t make the rules here. Stay off social media, for your own good.

  November

  11: Singles Day. Hallelujah, our time has come! This “holiday” originated in China, namely as a shopping holiday specifically for bachelors, but the day has become more popular both with bachelorettes and in Western society. One might be the loneliest number, but that doesn’t mean you can’t get great deals out of it.

  30: Personal Space Day. A godsend, especially between the Thanksgiving and winter holiday season. Take advantage of some peace and quiet!

  December

  TBH, all of this month is a Hazard to single people. Couples are constantly out and about, kissing under mistletoe, getting engaged over roaring fires, blah blah blah. If you have to go out into the world where romance lurks around every corner, I recommend always being slightly drunk on eggnog to make it bearable.

  January

  01: Hangover Day/Bloody Mary Day. The only thing worse than New Year’s Eve (you really would prefer to be at home than surrounded by people, and even worse is dealing with a crowd when you’re all trying to go home at the same time, but societal expectations and FOMO make it near impossible to have a quiet night in. Maybe one day you’ll be firm and just stay home, but this year is not the year.) is New Year’s Day, and the inevitable hangover you have because you wanted to drink to forget you didn’t have anyone to kiss at midnight. Your options are either to suffer with lots of water, Advil, and sleep, or do the hair of the dog and keep drinking right through it. Choices are good, right?

  06: Cuddle Day. You know what this means? Lots of PDA. Who knows how many couples observe this day, but you never know! It’s good to always be prepared.

  26: Spouses Day. We get it, you’re married; tell it to someone who cares. Next!

  February

  Now, maybe you might think that February is the worst month because it’s very short, cold, and obsessed with romance. You’re not wrong, but you also have the power to make this month into something more. There are apparently a lot of days dedicated to platonic friendship, and what’s better than reminding your friends how grateful you are that you have them, at least?

  07: Send a Card to a Friend Day: Awwww!

  11: Make a Friend Day

  13: Galentine’s Day

  14: Valentine’s Day: I don’t need to remind you of this horrendous holiday, but it bears repeating.

  22: Margarita Day: Oh, thank God.

  SPRING FEVER

  When Cuffing Season ends, Spring Fever begins, and lasts from March to June. Maybe you didn’t participate in Cuffing Season, and now you’re raring to go find a cute honey in the new sunshine. Or maybe you did, and you’re feeling restless and tied down and you really would prefer to be flirtatious and free. Beware either way, because after Spring Fever ends, another dating season begins.

  March

  08: International Women’s Day

  09: Napping Day: Advocating for women’s rights makes a bitch tired!

  20: Proposal Day: Not sure if all of the jewelry companies banded together at a recent conference to make this day an actual Thing, but beware of your Instagram feed and try not to go to any public sporting events. You never know what could happen.

  April

  11: Pet Day: At least someone loves you!! Haha (oh, God, sigh). And your social media feeds will be filled with pictures of cute animals rather than humans. Always a plus.

  May

  11: Eat What You Want Day: Anyone, single or not, can participate, obviously, but when society is telling you to “get fit” to “look hot” for the summer, give it the metaphorical middle finger and devour an entire sleeve of your Girl Scout cookie of choice.

  25: Wine Day: ROSÉ. ALL. DAY!!!!!!!!

  SUMMER FLING

  Lasting from Memorial Day to Labor Day, summer loving is a Thing, and if you don’t believe me, ask John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. Remember what I said about summertime being a season of more socialization and activity? Perhaps you feel compelled to have someone to take to all of those barbecues and rooftop happy hours. Some advice, though: if it’s truly a fling, make sure you break up with them in that nebulous month of September, right before Cuffing Season starts back up again.

  June

  08: Best Friends Day: Call your BFF up and tell them you love them!

  09: Sex Day: Calling all the freaky-deakies to get down on 6/9! Stay safe, use protection, practice verbal and enthusiastic consent, and have fun!

  July

  11: Cheer Up the Lonely Day: Oh, God, can’t you just hear Aunt Carol’s voice as she pityingly calls to remind you that she loves you and also that time is ticking and “you don’t want to die alone, do you, dear?” Don’t pick up the phone today. Just don’t do it. (You can call her back on July 26, which is Aunt and Uncle Day.)

  August

  10: Lazy Day: Summer is a time of lots of socializing and mingling, so beg off today to be by yourself and chill out. Time to recharge!

  25: Kiss and Make Up Day: I know, you’re probably like, “Why is there both a Reconciliation Day and a Kiss and Make Up Day?” I don’t know, I’m just as baffled as you are! But keep an eye out for rose bouquet shortages and lots of overheard dramatic phone calls, especially if you regularly take public transportation.

  31: Matchmaker Day: Listen, if you want to have someone make you a match, find you a find, catch you a catch, then Godspeed and good luck to you, truly. But, if you can’t take another botched attempt, then you know what to do: turn your phone off and don’t answer any texts or calls until tomorrow.

  CREATE YOUR PERFECT DATE AND WE’LL GIVE YOU A MILLENNIAL-APPROVED SOLITARY HOBBY TO TAKE UP

  Create a “perfect date”—you chortle to yourself as you read this title. “Ha! I’ll give you the perfect date.” And then you proceed to think about that iconic line from the delightful movie Miss Congeniality—you know, the line about April 25. You feel clever! And you should, because it’s a great line. But I’m calling your bluff here, because that’s exactly the kind of date I want you to create. Surprise! (And don’t pretend that you don’t have an exact sort of weather, temperature, and humidity level you prefer. Even if you think you don’t, you do.)

  1. Pick your favorite season: a. Summer, obviously. Long days, balmy nights, cute clothes, what’s not to love?

  b. Fall. I don’t care if you call me a Basic Bitch, just let me wear my blanket scarf and drink my PSL in peace.

  c. Winter! Nothing’s better than the holiday season, sitting by a fireplace, snuggled underneath a blanket.

  d. Spring. It’s perfect: not too hot, not too cold, and everything flowering is lovely.

  2. What’s your ideal level of humidity? a. So humid I want to feel like I’m walking through a steam bath.

  b. I want the air to be crisp and clear, thanks! Let me pretend I’m on a mountainside.

  c. It needs to be so dry that when I step outside it’s like I can feel the hydration being leached from my skin.

  d. A little bit of humidity is nice—I don’t mind having my hair look a little fluffier and my skin a little dewy.

  3. What temperature is your perfect day? a. Hot, hot, HOT. Anything below 75 degrees is a disgrace and a waste of my time.

  b. 45 to 60 degrees would be perfect. My body would love me so much: I wouldn’t be sweating, nor would I be shivering!

  c. Call me Mr. Freeze, because I want it to be 45 and below only. I want to be so thoroughly covered in layers and blankets that it looks like I’m wearing everything I own.

  d. 60 to 75 degrees. I really do only want to need a light jacket when I go outside!
>
  4. What’s the highlight of your day? a. Hanging out at the beach or by a pool. There’s nothing more relaxing than lounging outside.

  b. Going to an open-air flea market. It’s like treasure hunting, and you can usually find something good to eat there.

  c. Cuddling on the couch with my dog, reading. Not leaving the house all day. Incredible.

  d. Taking a walk through the park. It’s good exercise, it’s free, and it’s chill.

  5. Say you have to spend time with people on this day. What do you do? a. See an outdoor movie. Make it a picnic, potluck, and BYOB. You can talk (quietly) if you want, and if the movie sucks, you can leave!

  b. Hang out at a coffee shop with a close friend. Catch up, or just read together. Maybe work on that screenplay you always think about?

  c. Have a board game night with friends. You can just hang out in leggings and a sweatshirt with lots of snacks. Just beware of anyone who’s super competitive.

  d. Go watch a baseball game. Even if sports aren’t your thing, you can grab two cheap seats (minor league games are especially inexpensive) and drink beer and eat hot dogs in the sunshine with your friends.

  RESULTS: IF YOU PICKED…

  Mostly A’s: Try hand-lettering (aka calligraphy). All you need is the proper pen and paper to practice—it’s easy to take with you if you’re traveling, or if you’re hanging out at home on your couch. If you like to journal, this will only up your game, and at the very least, your mom will absolutely love to see her name fancily written on her birthday card envelopes.